Wasted Time

My nephew, Davidge (Fran's son) graduated from High School today. I sat in the front row of the bleachers and felt old and frumpy in my cutest skirt and slightly slimmer body. It seemed that the entire gym was filled with tan teenage girls wearing short denim skirts and layered camisoles. They chatted and laughed throughout the ceremony. The only time they fell silent was when the dipolmas were handed out. You could tell they were thinking, "It'll be me next year, or the year after that." I remember feeling that way, don't you? That deep-in-the-stomach flutter that came along with thoughts of adulthood and freedom?

In the middle of the ceremony, the guest speaker (a favored teacher) gave his speech. It was pretty much standard graduation garbage about how the graduates had accomplished so much and were going to on to do great things.

Hearing that speech, as generic as it was, got me thinking about life in a way it didn't when I wore my cap and gown. Back then I knew I was going places, that I was going to conquer the world in some way. But I didn't. I dropped out of college, got married (still the best decision I ever made) and settled into relative obscurity. Outside of you and a few others, Josh and I have no friends. We come home every night and watch T.V. or play on the internet and generally do nothing that is worth talking about or even remembering.

Looking at the graduates laughing and joking the way we once did, taking for granted that they have years until they are old and so many opportunities, I felt a feeling of loss. Loss for the nine years I've wasted doing nothing with my life, sitting on the sidelines procrastinating and saying, "Next year I'm going to do THIS!". Nine years. My head hurts just thinking about it.

So what am I going to do about it? I'd like to say I'm going to shake things up, that I'm going to storm the castle like I should have all those years ago. But the truth is, I've felt this way before, yet here I am in a boring job with equally boring hobbies.

Sorry to be a downer today. I guess I'm just wondering when it will be okay to just be me and not feel like I've wasted my life somehow?